"Yeah, well you ought to be sorry"! Ever hear that line before? Maybe you weren’t the one who said it, but if you ever have heard it said by someone else it sends cold shivers down your spine.

Why? Because you know if the apology ever had a chance of healing the hurt and restoring the relationship, it just suffered a major setback. 

That is an apology buster. The apology gets cut off at the knees before it gets a chance to walk.

They may have said such unkind words as a way of lashing back or in some feeble attempt to preserve what fragile image they have of themselves. It could be that it springs from blatant unrestrained anger. Or they may have said such words out of hurt, extreme disappointment or long term pent up feelings that subconsciously erupted and now they are embarrassed by the words they said.

Situations that warrant apologies are generally passionate and words are not always carefully measured before they are spoken. Those "off the cuff" words have a way of coming back to haunt us and we can find ourselves saying things we did not mean to say. 

Apology busters are emotionally disappointing as well. You think you are off to a good start as you begin to apologize. If you’ve been practicing your apology, you may have even played out in your mind the mending of the relationship and are hoping for quick resolution. Then out of nowhere comes the bombshell. Something that caught you blindsided. All of a sudden spewing out of their mouth comes their shock and hurt over your clueless insensitivity. They’re thinking, "How dare you not to have thought ahead and considered the consequences of your actions"!

Hopefully all of your practicing has developed both your restraint and resolve. You are going to need it.

Here is another apology buster, "It’s too late now"! Immediately you get this sickening feeling that it’s going to be a long uphill battle. So why put out the effort? There’s only one reason you would suffer the extra effort, and that is the relationship matters to you.

At first glance it appears as if they have cut you off either because you did not meet an important expectation of theirs or something worse. Either way, a feeling of impending doom looms largely over the future of the relationship; with the use of those dark sounding words "It’s too late now".

Why do we put conditions on our apologies? 
Because protection is an automatic reaction to possible pain, it becomes a reflex to build a wall around that sensitive area. A burn doesn’t even like the gentle heat of the sun, let alone being exposed to unwanted pressure on an open wound. It takes healing ointment and time. A hurting child recoils from the antibiotic ointment that will enhance the healing process of a skinned knee, and it’s the same with wounded emotions. Sometimes wounded emotions respond defensively, using emotional barriers or apology busters to reduce the risk of further injury..

Let’s look at another apology buster and this one really stings, "You’ve lost my trust now". Is there any way to sink any lower or feel more defeated before you even begin than after you hear that reply? 

While accountability for actions is vital in rebuilding relationships, to imply that 100% trust is torched, is a hard, hard, hard place from which to make a comeback. 

Certainly there are infractions that are so severe it could place the offended in jeopardy either for their health or life. In these fragile situations, re-establishing trust is not the objective; safety becomes the primary consideration.

In other situations that are not as intense, trust may have to be rebuilt. But rather than simply and abruptly stating the lack of trust, the offender should be offered a blue print or a plan of action that will restore, rather than level as haphazardly as a bull dozer, any worth in their lives.

Apology busters. You can probably list a few without even thinking very hard. Some that immediately come to mind are:

	"I’ve heard that one before"
	"How do I know you won’t do it again"?
	"I’ve apologized, but they won’t let go of it. They constantly keep it in my face"
	"I’ll forgive you this time, but you better never let it happen again"

Apology busters. They present a roadblock to the apology’s intended purpose. It is expected that apologies generally do involve discussions and clarification of why the person was offended and what measure may be taken to ensure the offense or major mistake does not occur again.. However “the spirit” of the apology, the manner in which it is said or the manner in which it is received can destine an apology to fall flat or hit it’s intended mark.

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