Feelings Formula

We would like to suggest a simple formula for expressing your feelings. We have used it for many years with each other, our children, and others. It is clear, simple, and non-threatening when used with the right attitude.

'Let me tell you how I feel."

The first part of the formula is to state clearly, directly, and lovingly, "Let me tell you how I feel. “I feel ...” (fill in with a word that describes how you feel-frustrated angry alone, hurt, disappointed, anxious, happy, joyful and so forth). Express your inward feelings and emotions. and avoid attacking the other person.
Don't confuse "I feel" with "I think." If you can substitute "I think" for "I feel," then it is not a feeling. For instance, "I feel that you hurt me!" expresses a thought and judgment. It is the confrontive style of communication in disguise. Much better would be to direct the statement toward yourself and say, "I feel hurt when this happens." You can also state your feelings by using the words, "I am," as in "I am hurt when this happens."
Author Gary Smalley gave a great suggestion in one of his seminars we attended several years ago. He suggested painting a picture that will help your mate understand your feelings. For instance, "Honey, remember when you worked so long and hard on that proposal and took it in to your boss, only to have him toss it aside and ignore what you had carefully prepared? Well, that's how I felt when I spent hours researching possibilities for our vacation, and you didn't want to talk about it." Bam! Your mate is reliving a feeling he or she has experienced and can now identify with your feelings.
Remember, you want to express inward feelings and emotions that reflect hack on you and avoid attacking the other person. Feelings are neither right nor wrong; they simply are - but it's valuable to know how your mate feels. This leads to the second part of the feelings formula.

"Now, tell me how you feel."

After you have stated clearly and lovingly how you feel, say, "Now tell me how you feel." then be prepared to listen. Don't judge your mate's s feelings. Remember they are neither right nor wrong!
"Wait a minute," interrupted Randy, a seminar participant. 'How can you say feelings are neither right nor wrong? Some feelings are just plain sinful!"
A great discussion followed on the differences between how we feel and how we act and between what is a thought and what is a true feeling- "For example," Randy continued, "anyone can easily get off the hook by saying, 'I don’t feel like going to work'; 'I don't feel like being a thoughtful spouse'; or 'I feel like having an affair."
Before we could respond another participant spoke up: ‘We may feel a certain way but that's not an excuse for doing or not doing what is right. I wouldn't have my job very long if I told my boss, 'I don't feel like coming to work today.'.'
Another picked up the discussion: "I agree, but maybe the statement `I don't feel like going to work' is not the real feeling or issue Maybe you really feel worn out, taken advantage of, or bored with the job."
"Or," another added, "maybe the statement 'I feel like having an affair' is really saying on a deeper level, 'I'm bored with my marriage I feel disconnected from my mate; I want more romance and excitement.” Now we were getting down to the real feelings.
Feelings are fragile, and we must handle them with care. But if we can get to the real issue through sharing our feelings, we can attack the problem instead of each other and at the same time strengthen our own marriage.

NO FEELINGS VOCABULARY!

The couples in that seminar were beginning to get the picture when James, a middle-aged husband said, "This all sounds great, but I couldn't say how I felt if I wanted to - I just don't have the words! My father said only three words, and none had anything to do with how he felt, and me, well I'm a chip off the old block."
To help James venture into the world of feelings, we brainstormed words we could use to express our feelings. If you, like James, have difficulty expressing feelings, maybe our list will help you get started.

I feel...

How comfortable are you with words like those above? Are you willing to try the feelings formula?

(continued...)   

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(Excerpt reprinted by permission Zondervan) To purchase this book from Amazon.com click the link below 10 Great Dates to energize your marriage by David & Claudia Arp