Pam remembers how inconsolable her best friend was when she discovered that her husband of ten years had been unfaithful. " I don’t think I will ever forget the guttural sounds she made when she showed up at my doorstep having just had her worst fears realized," says Pam. "I’ve heard a lot of tears, but none has ever sounded like hers did that day. In my head I think I silently called her husband everything in the book of bad words I could think of - even as I tried to rapidly work through how I would help her fight for her marriage when I wanted to kill her husband myself."
No chapter in a book can adequately address the painful issues a wife faces when her husband strays. It’s a complex issue; every incidence of adultery is different. However one key to coping with any affair, be it yours or a friend’s, is understanding what motivated the husbands unfaithfulness. Because there are so many paths and degrees of sexual betrayal, the path to recovery and the prospects for the marriage are largely determined by what led to the affair in the first place.
A husband’s infidelity usually falls into one of these three categories.

Crisis-motivated adultery.
A husband may sleep with another woman because he is struggling with his own identity or the direction his life has taken. This husband may love his wife, but he feels trapped, suffocated, and without options. As self-destructive as it sounds -- and is-having an affair is one way to force a crisis. When the affair comes to light often the husband can't identify why he did what he did. He's usually repentant; in fact, he often breaks the news of the infidelity to his wife himself, or he gets caught on purpose. Counselors agree that there's hope for the marriage to last if the husband gets the help he needs in order to understand and resolve the underlying issues that led to his affair.

Sexually motivated adultery.
This is the guy that visits a prostitute on a business trip or can't resist the sexual advances of his secretary -- or any other attractive female that makes herself available. His main motivation is sexual gratification. Often, this husband also struggles with pornography. He tends to be highly secretive and filled with shame about his activities. If he will agree to get help and become accountable to someone -- in addition to his wife -- this marriage also has hope for a better relationship. If he's deeply addicted to his sexual lusts, the couple may have a long, hard road ahead, but if they travel it together, they’re destined for a stronger marriage.

Emotionally motivated adultery.
By far the most devastating affairs are those in which a man believes he has fallen in love with another woman. This is true for two reasons. First, when a husband is unfaithful in both heart and body, his betrayal is complete. The wife must deal not only with her husband's sexual identity, but also with the transference of his affections to another woman. In many cases the husband has experienced the kind of intimacy and romantic love the wife herself has longed for. Second, this husband may not even want to save his marriage. Unless dramatic measures are taken to keep the two people having the affair from any further contact, there's a chance that the affair will drag on, if not physically, emotionally.

If the husband ends the affair and wants to save the marriage, it can survive and even improve. But the road ahead won't be easy. The painful fallout for this kind of affair is often felt for years to come.

Chances are that as you read through these descriptions you were able to pinpoint the kind of affair that your husband is most vulnerable to (and that you can help him be on guard against). If he's already been unfaithful, you were probably able to identify the category that best describes what motivated his actions. This insight can help you know better how to pray for him, and it can help both of you decide what kind of help you should seek.

However, we still haven't addressed a key question that applies to adultery of all kinds: What if you husband continues an affair or is chronically unfaithful?

As you're probably aware, unfaithfulness is the one condition God cites as an acceptable reason to seek a divorce (Matthew 19:9). But just because you have biblical grounds for divorce, it doesn't necessarily mean your marriage has no hope or will end in divorce. However, it also doesn't mean that you should suffer your husband's ongoing infidelity. If your husband is caught up in an affair or you suspect he is being unfaithful, here are some general guidelines to keep in mind:

	You shouldn't be expected to continue to have sexual relations with a husband who is actively sexually unfaithful.
	You shouldn't allow yourself to be humiliated by letting your husband receive phone calls or be contacted in any other way by a lover.
	If your husband has had an affair -- even if it is a one-time event -- get yourself (and him, if he's willing) examined by a doctor to test for STD's.
	A habitually unfaithful husband is an abusive husband. He is attacking the very foundation of your union together, which is why the Bible allows for divorce in such cases. Treat a chronically unfaithful spouse the same way you would treat a physically abusive spouse. Leave, or have him leave your home.
	Remember, even if your husband pleads again and again for mercy, he expects you to lay down some basic boundaries. If you don't he will respect you even less than he did in the moment when he betrayed you, and it is unlikely that he will ever change his behavior.
	If the relationship is volatile, avoid being alone in his presence and consider communicating through a third party. Never contact the "other woman." As satisfying as this may sound, such confrontations rarely improve a situation and often exacerbate it.
	If your husband refuses to end an affair and yet doesn't seek or want a divorce, you will have a difficult choice to make. After separating and getting plenty of counsel, decide how long you are willing to wait for your husband, if at all. Then let him know in clear terms what you have decided.
	Don't file for divorce or make life-changing decisions when you are in a state of emotional upheaval.

As you consider your options, keep in mind that many husbands discover down the road that the other woman isn't what they want, after all. Because God has been known to do miracles even in the most devastated marriages, keep that possibility in mind.
When you husband has been unfaithful, whether he stays or leaves, the last thing you want to hear about is forgiveness. And that's natural. Understandable. But sooner or later, you will have to deal with the issue. There is no neutral ground. You either forgive or you don't. And in the case of a marriage devastated by an affair, the difference between the two will grow more and more apparent as the years go by. 
You are at a pivotal point. Many couples find that an affair is a wake up call that in the end saves the marriage because it brings to light some deep underlying problems and forces the couple to deal with them. Sometimes the house has to crumble before it can be built the right way, piece by piece.

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(Excerpt reprinted by permission Multnomah Press) To purchase this book from Amazon.com click the link below Because I Said Forever by Deb Kalmbach & Heather Kopp